Babylon and Absurdistan on tour

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The Far East, source of confusion and wonder.

In Thailand

I enter a room. A squeaky voice says, " Hello! " I see no one. And I ask, " Where are you ?" The answer comes out of nowhere: " I'm fine, and you?"

Where you from? Belgium! Belgium? Oh, good, I have a friend who specializes in tailor-made suits .” Que?

A Russian orders at the bar: "An ice tea, please ." The bartender frowns, scoops ice, and walks to the hot water machine. Russian: Nooooooo!!! Chaos ensues. iPhone pictures are shown. Bartender: " We can make it ." Russian: "Peach? " Ending: Russian drinks a pina colada.

I pass the Coco Pool Bar. A barmaid recognizes me and spontaneously calls out, laughing: Happy

hour! Happy Thailand!

Thai massage. The girl starts, sits on me, and asks, " You want Bam ?" I panic. We're at Happy Thailand. I saw somewhere that oil is a bit more expensive. Me: No. I just want oil. She: You don't need oil, but Bam ! Me: Hey, okay? A moment later, a wonderful scent of eucalyptus. Bam means balm.

She's grinding herself into my back. Pain! I suffer from back pain and am riddled with pain mines. All sorts of groans escape me spontaneously: ee, oo, aa ... When she works on my legs, it's more bearable and I'm quiet. Until she says: When will you ee oe aa again?

In Patong, you'll find plenty of shemales, also called ladyboys. They're eager to take photos with us and invite us to their drag queen and striptease shows, which we politely decline. It's a strange feeling, though. Surrounding myself with beautiful women "gifted" with a Big Bonus. Replace the B with a D, and you'd practically have a "Dick Donut."

Absurdistan. In a restaurant on a Phi Phi Isle with a sea-like smell, fresh, barbecued fish and seafood, a guitarist sings in Thai (it's December 9th): " I'm dreaming of a white Christmas . "

Also hilarious: the signs in the restrooms (see photos): "No washing feet in the restroom."

Or: "Do not stand on the toilet seat." Fine: 100 baht (€2.86).

And how about: "Do not wash dishes in the toilet." More logical: "Paper in the bucket." Because, as everywhere in Asia, the sewers aren't like ours.

In Cambodia four girls at the hotel reception desk welcome us, all smiles. But then... I say something and see flashes of panic. Who's going to handle this? What does he want? Typical. After many awkward moments of communication and goodwill, we manage to work it out.

Some nice hotel instructions also: “ do not bring in mangistan or durians (stench!) ”.

You can get cocktails or drinks here with names like " brain damage ," " wet pussy ," " orgasm ," and " blowjob ." I wonder what happens if you say, "I want a wet pussy and a blowjob."

Delicious food, but still raises questions: fried ice cream roll? And cute imperfections, like the invention of the egg cup, which apparently hasn't made it here yet, and who the hell puts a keg of sugar at the breakfast egg stand?

There are several massage parlors near our hotel. It's nice to hear a giggle from a

A massage girl who plays with your feet for an hour, until the cackling caress girl starts the real Khmer massage. Squeezing with two fingers. OMG. I swear they could squeeze someone to death with two fingers. Then she giggles and points to my belly: Baby? Glancing, whinnying, foot stub.

We're dealing with translation issues, solved with much bowing and giggling. Because all the girls speak limited English: okay, yes, turn, finish(ed), but they do know all the numbers and the word dollar. Furthermore: thank you, bye bye and they can answer the question: What's your name?

In Japan

According to our guide, the Japanese speak such poor English simply because their teachers themselves speak very little English. But they all learn the greeting quite repetitively: " How are you? I'm fine. And you? Me too!"

But the difference in pronunciation between "How are you" and "Who are you" is relatively minimal. For example, Japanese Prime Minister Bill Clinton once greeted him with " Who are you?" Bill replied: "I am Bill, Hillary's husband ." The Prime Minister replied: "Me too!"

Note : I heard the exact same story in Xi'an (China), at the Terracotta Army, this time about the simple farmer who made the discovery, during a visit by the same Clinton.

In Sri Lanka

Our guides sometimes have strange "parlare." Here are some examples.

• There really isn't any difference between foot and food . We eat foot , anyone?

• 'A restaurant' becomes a restOORen

• He calls a tuktuk a mosquito taxi . This is quite nice.

• How long will it take to a toilet stop? 15 minutes but you can still in the hotel. Que?

• They eat curry with rice, and rice with curry also.

• Hospitals are free, so you don't have to pay .

• You can buy kloot, means clothes .

• After the second day, he manages to say: Here you also see palm trees. Sri Lanka is very green!

• What means : fa'e vileetjis? Correct: five villages.

• You can see also … and then he says what we see and can also name ourselves: shops, trees, etc. We feel like a kindergarten class.

  
  

In China

The "R" is an issue with the Chinese. Tintin already taught us that the Chinese speak of lock and loll.

The average person on the street generally speaks zero English, not even in hospitality roles like onboard ships or in top hotels. It's incomprehensible to us. Everyone uses a translation app. Even the airport information office. How did they do it back then?

And yet. River becomes jivej . The difference between thirteen and thirty is, in fact, wafer-thin throughout Asia. This can have painful consequences if, for example, fifteen and fifty are confused. And dear Lin (Beijing guide): Do they make bread from wheat or from weed (from cannabis)? Quite a difference, isn't it?

The guides' shoddy English sometimes leads to hilarious ramblings, such as: " It's a very big castle. There are a lot of restrooms in the castle." And confusing phrases like: " There are many chopping chops. Shopping shops?"

Humor

Different senses of humor can also lead to surprising reactions. Here's an example, this time on a Danube cruise. I'd booked a massage with a Romanian masseuse. I was the first that day and greeted her with, " Here I am, your first victim ." She then started screaming, shouting, " No, you are NOT a victim! You are NOT a victim! "

Traveling always involves a visit to... Babylon. And sometimes... Absurdistan.